Ala-damn-bama Jokes

You gotta have’em.

Anyone living in Georgia has a million them.

Like the infamous Alabama-Georgia border war. Alabama threw a bunch of grenades over the state line. We pulled the pins and threw’em back.

Here’s a few I’ve collected over the years. Fair warning, some of’em ain’t exactly politically correct :)

Why do all the tree’s in the world lean towards Alabama?
Because Alabama Sucks.

What does an Alabama girl say when she’s loosing her virginity?
“Stop Daddy your crushing my cigarettes!”

Whats the only good thing to come out of Alabama?
Interstate 20

Have you seen Alabama”s new Welcome Signs?
“Now Leaving US of A. Welcome to Alabama!”

What do you call 23 John Deere tractors at a Dairy Queen?
Prom Night at Alabama

Why didn’t Jesus come from Alabama?
Ain’t no wise men, ain’t no virgins.

What do you call a virgin in Alabama?
Faster than her brothers.

Did you hear about the $36 million dollar Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $36 dollars a year for a million years.

Why does OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone there has the same DNA

Did you hear that the governor”s mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
“Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I”ll give you both of them.
“OK. Ummmmm . .. five?”

An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,”;replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Say, don’t you still have them big red trucks?”

Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.
The bartender says, “Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I’m from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s 6-4 and weighs 250 and he’s from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He’s 6-6 and weighs 280 and he’s from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?”
The guy says, “Nah.”
To which the bartender smiles and says,”What’s the matter? Are ya chicken?”
The guy says, “Nope. I just don”t want to have to explain it three times.”

Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco?
To Tuscaloosa…he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!

A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I”d like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes.”
The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, “You must be an Alabama fan!”
The man proclaims with pride, “How could you tell, was it the color scheme?”
The clerk looks at him and says “No, this is a hardware store.”

What is the most common line used by an Alabama alumni?
Would you like fries with that?

Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.

What do you call a genius at Alabama?

Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn’t

What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
“Don”t let the door knob hit you in the head!”

How do you get a Alabama graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Do you know why Alabama can’t have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed at the same time?
They only have 1 mule

What’s the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

An Tennessee fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Alabama football players hitchhiking. He told the Alabama players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Tennessee fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Alabama football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic. As the truck began sinking theUT fan yelled for the Alabama players to get out truck, to which they replied, “We’re tryin’ to get out, but we can’t get the damn tailgate open!”

It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell
in near the University campus. The University”s response was “Why do we need another
phone company?”

Two Alabam boys went hunting, and came across a set of tracks. Furiously they began arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
“I’ma telling ya them’s thars dog tracks!” “Hell naw it ain’t thems a bear’a tracks”
While arguing the train ran them both down.

How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?
Had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the Teethbrush

How do you get a ”Bama cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.

How many Bama fans does it take to change a light bulb?

75,001 – one to change the bulb and 75,000 to sit in Bryant-Denny Stadium and talk about how
good the old bulb was.

Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.

“This is your house, coach”God says happily.”Most people don’t get their own houses up here.” Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill.

It’s a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. University of Tennessee flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Tennessee banner hangs between the marble columns.

“Thanks for the house, God,”Bear says. “But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Neyland gets a mansion with Tennessee banners and UT flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, “Bear,that’s not Neyland’s house. That’s mine.”

Two Alabama fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, “I’m cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights.”

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him “When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the dang radio to work.” The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old Willie Nelson started singing. “Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. “Easy listening,” he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. “Stupid rednecks!” he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, “TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!”

What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.

Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar, and twists, breaking the dog’s neck and killing him instantly. A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “That was the most incredible act of bravery I’ve ever seen!” the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: “Young Auburn Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!” The little hero sees this and says, “But sir, I’m not a Auburn Fan, I’m an Alabama Fan!” The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: “Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet”

An Alabama grad and an Auburn grad were earning some summer money by mowing lawns with a self propelled mower. It got very hot around three PM so the two sat under a tree and drank some lemonade. Somehow the mower — which they had left idling — dropped into gear and began rolling rapidly toward a filled swimming pool. The two jumped to their feet and dashed after the errant machine only to just miss it as it plunged into the swimming pool and sank, the engine bubbling down to silence. Without a moment’s hesitation the Auburn grad leaped into the pool, swam rapidly to the bottom and began pulling the starter rope in an attempt to restart the engine. The Alabama grad leaned over the water and shouted, “Choke it, you dang fool! Choke it!”

An Alabama offensive lineman who doesn’t hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why? Answer: Santa Claus – the other two aren’t real!

How do you keep an Alabama player out of your yard?
Paint it like a endzone

How do you make Alabama cookies? Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.

It’s reported that Nick Saban will only dress 20 players for the Tennessee game. The rest will have to dress themselves.

What does the average Alabama student get on his SAT score? Drool.

An Alabama fan walks into the doctor’s office one day with a hat on. He takes off his hat, and the doctor sees that there is a big frog sitting right on top of his head. The doctor looks at the man and asks him why he has a frog sitting on his head. It was the frog who replied “Actually doc, I was the one who wanted to see you. Can you remove this wart off my butt?”

What do a maggot and an Alabama fan have in common? They can both live off of a dead bear for 20 years.

Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!”

His Paw replied “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!”

His Paw replied, “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day, he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that’s cuz Ah’m from Bama, huh Paw?”

His Paw replied, “No son, that’s cuz yer 17 years old.”

3 Responses to “Ala-damn-bama Jokes”

  • Here’s one I was surprised not to see in yer list:

    What did the Alabama graduate say to the Tennessee graduate?

    Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order please?


  • better than you:

    You are funny! I guess you have to be when your football team is the laughing stock of the SEC!

    • Funny I could have swore Kentucky held that distinction but rough years come and go. We’ll be back on top soon enough.

      As I seem to recall while this is the worst season we’ve ever had Alabama’s worst season stretched on for 3 years…1955, ’56 and ’57 going 4-24-2.

      Now thats the laughing stock of the SEC right there

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